ADHD & Criticism: How to handle hypersensitivity to criticism

If you’re a fellow ADHDer (diagnosed or self-identifying), you might have realised that you’re hypersensitive to criticism. Maybe you’ve been told you overreact in an argument or that you take ‘constructive comments’ too personally…

Whether you’re at work, with family, friends, or a romantic partner, this hypersensitivity can be a challenge to navigate. But it can be navigated. 

In this blog, we’re going to run through all the little tricks and tips I often find myself coming back to with my ADHD coaching clients. 

I hope you find them useful. And remember, whilst hypersensitivity can be ‘annoying’ to deal with, it’s just your brain’s way of telling you that you have an unmet need. 

And, of course, it’s a part of the brilliant and unique individual you are. So, learning exactly what you need and how you can be supported is a must! 

Firstly, RSD and hypersensitivity in ADHD

Being hypersensitive to criticism is a core element of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), which is a common condition in people with ADHD. 

RSD is exactly as it sounds - a sensitivity to rejection. And most of the time, what people don’t realise is that criticism is processed as a direct form of rejection, triggering RSD and leading to a heightened emotional state.

When faced with criticism from a loved one or colleague, our ADHD brains can easily skip to feeling rejected and generating the emotions that come with that rejection; fear, stress, panic, overwhelm…

However, having RSD isn’t an issue; it’s simply a label for how your brain processes rejection and, by extension, criticism (and even neutral comments or feedback that feel critical). 

As with anything, knowing how RSD affects you is an essential part of managing it. Bear this in mind as we run through the steps below. 

Handling RSD and hypersensitivity to criticism: 7 steps for ADHDers

Step 1: Allow yourself to feel your emotions

You can’t process emotions that you don’t allow yourself to feel. So feel them all!

The first step to handling criticism is acknowledging what emotions have been sparked by the comment, discussion or whatever format of criticism you’ve received. 

It is also important to note that it’s absolutely fine to feel whatever you feel - anger, frustration, disappointment, betrayal. All your emotions are valid. 

Step 2: Label your emotions

Once you’ve felt into your emotions, it’s time to label them. 

When we label things, it’s easier to deal with them. And it puts some distance between you and the emotions. (You are not your anger, for example, you’re simply feeling anger.)

If you struggle with describing your emotions, using a tool like an Emotion Wheel (which you can search in Google Images) will give you all the words to choose from and be more precise than ‘angry’ or ‘sad’.

Step 3: Work out what you need

At the heart of it all, emotions are our brain's warning signs that we are not having a need met. 

Receiving criticism and having a certain emotion in response is a clue to understanding what you need in that moment.  

It might be that you need reassurance or validation from the other person. For example, if you feel fear; are you fearing they’ll leave you and need reassurance that they’re there for you? If you’re confused, do you need the other person to write down their thoughts so you can read their words instead?

Sometimes what you need may actually be something you can give yourself. For example, are you disappointed in yourself and need a minute alone to process that? 

Step 4: Take your time

If it’s possible, don’t rush the first three steps. You’re allowed to take a minute to process, to let yourself wallow in your emotions so you can feel them and get ready to move on. (Just be mindful not to dwell for too long!)

Step 5: Take time out when needed

If you can feel yourself getting into that heightened emotional state and heading towards total overwhelm (in general or thanks to your RSD being triggered), it’s time to step back. 

Once your ADHD brain is overwhelmed, your executive function becomes sluggish. This can make it really difficult to absorb what the other person is saying, which isn’t conducive to a balanced discussion. 

So take some time out to get yourself regulated and calm (through mindfulness techniques like a breathing exercise), and be ready to pick up where you left off.

Step 6: Get clear on what happens next 

As ADHDers, one thing we thrive on is clarity because it makes our brains and nervous systems feel safe. And when we feel safe, we are our most calm, collected and well-functioning selves!

To move on from the criticism you’ve received, you need a clear strategy on what happens next:

• What behaviour or task is expected of you? 

• How do you know you’ve been successful? 

• What support do you need, if any?

This works for both professional and personal situations. It doesn’t matter if the criticism was because you didn’t wash the dishes or you made a mistake at work, clarity is always the best policy.

Step 7: Review what support you need

Sometimes we receive criticism for things that we actually just needed supporting with. For example, if you didn’t complete a task as expected at work - were you actually shown how to do it in the first place? 

If you didn’t do something your partner was expecting you to do - was it communicated as an expected behavior? Do you need showing how your partner wants the task completing?

And sometimes we realise in situations like this that we need to support ourselves. Maybe you develop a system for a certain set of household chores that you’ve agreed to take ownership of. Maybe you invest in a coach to help navigate your ADHD brain and develop these systems with you! 

Support doesn’t always mean doing more, it’s about doing things in a way that works better for your brain. 

The pros of receiving criticism

Whilst receiving criticism can feel rubbish, it’s a great opportunity to connect to your feelings, your needs and assess whether you’re being supported in the best way for you. 

And criticism often doesn’t come out of the blue; it’s a result of a need or expectation not being met and that person expressing this to you. (Unless the person is simply being mean and it isn’t constructive at all - which can absolutely be the case, too!).

Learning how to handle criticism, even as a hypersensitive person, ultimately lets us show up better for ourselves, the people we work with, and the people we care about. 

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