ADHD life: How to build secure and supportive romantic relationships
If you’re like me and have ADHD, I can make an educated guess that you’ve had your fair share of challenges when navigating romantic relationships.
(Even if, right now, you find yourself with a great partner!)
I want you to know that you’re not alone in this.
Because what you may not have realised is that ADHD isn’t an annoying third-wheel in your relationship. It’s an integral part of what makes you an interesting, brilliant human being - and, yes, totally loveable!
I don’t think the impact of having ADHD is discussed enough alongside dating, love and living with someone. Which can lead to many of us feeling confused, frustrated and to blame when issues pop up.
So let’s talk about how ADHD wires your brain to approach love a little differently. And how both you and your partner can work with it, not against it…
The link between insecure attachment and ADHD
First, a little on the psychology of how people with ADHD form attachments to their partners.
Thanks to common traits - hyperactivity, RSD, difficulty focussing and the role of executive function under stress - many ADHDers grow up having not had their needs met throughout childhood (no matter how much love and attention their parents provided).
This can lead to something known as ‘insecure attachment’, which is where a person tends towards:
Struggling to form secure and healthy relationships
Difficulty trusting fully
Fearing abandonment
Low levels of self esteem, attentiveness and resilience
In the context of a romantic relationship, there are plenty of scenarios where these unconscious themes affect our emotional reactions and how we show up for our partners.
So with that in mind, let’s move onto the 4 areas that will help you build supportive and secure partnerships.
A note: While ‘insecure attachment’ might sound a bit negative, I need you to know attachment styles aren’t right or wrong! They’re simply a roadmap to understanding ourselves and how we navigate relationships, on a deeper level.
ADHD and self worth: loving yourself first
A lot of the time, having ADHD can leave us in a state of low self-worth. Because we’re conditioned to focus on all the ways our ADHD influences our flaws and mistakes, rather than all the ways it makes us great.
And unfortunately we attach to people that we feel almost substantiate this low self-worth.
In other words: when we don’t love and value ourselves, it can lead to partnerships that are totally the opposite of kind, secure and supportive.
This is why it’s so important to invest time into exploring and appreciating who you are, exactly as you are.
You must learn how to show up for yourself, and decide how you would like to be treated and supported, before you look at your partner and how they show up for you.
Understanding ADHD, emotional dysregulation and executive function
With ADHD, there is a fast-acting feedback loop that happens between:
Emotions: how we’re feeling and the intensity of it
Emotional regulation: how we’re managing and responding to the emotions
Executive function: the project management part of our brains that let us get stuff done
When your emotions are heightened, your ADHD brain may not be able to manage and respond to them (regulate them) as well as a neurotypical brain, causing emotional dysregulation.
Emotional dysregulation causes your executive functioning to slow or shut down, dimming your ability to do everyday things e.g. keep track of time, absorb what a person is saying, recall information and even… regulate your emotions!
This further adds to the emotional dysregulation, which can be quite the rollercoaster ride.
Understanding this feedback loop is a total game changer, if you find yourself unable to explain why your brain shuts down when you feel overwhelmed, stressed, or are in an argument.
And on the flip side; why you find it really difficult to stop hyperfocussing on a new idea, hobby or activity. Because yes, you can also get emotional dysregulation with positive emotions!
Intense honeymoon periods for ADHDers
Speaking of hyperfocussing…
You know when you’re going through a phase where you're really, really into something (or someone). And then, like flicking off a light switch, you're just not into it anymore?
Well, this is because the thing or person has given us a dopamine high at the start (a buzz of achievement or excitement) and we want to keep getting that high.
So we essentially binge on what’s providing it - we hyperfocus - until it’s no longer exciting or rewarding. And that’s when the dopamine stops.
ADHDers are natural dopamine seekers so when the novelty wears off like this, we tend to move onto the next thing. But what happens when the thing is your partner?
There can be an intense honeymoon period when you have ADHD, because of this dopamine thrill. However, it doesn’t mean you’re not in love anymore when this phase is over!
Take the opportunity to reflect on the reasons why the novelty has worn off and go from there.
Most of the time, this little dip will be temporary and you’ll return to a more relaxed level of interest. But learning about yourself first will always let you make the best reflections and decisions for you.
Managing Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (or RSD) is something experienced by most ADHDers but it can be improved with mindful techniques.
It is exactly as it sounds - a sensitivity to rejection. Whether that’s direct verbal rejection (like being criticised or offended). Or more subtle cases like being disagreed with, or given a look that implies someone doesn’t approve of what you’ve said or done.
RSD varies from person to person and is worth unpacking for yourself with a coach or professional, so you can learn your triggers and how to manage them.
In particular, I’ve found Positive Psychology helps because it works on building strengths and ‘what’s right’, rather than focussing on what’s wrong (which can heighten your RSD).
What is also useful is how your partner communicates with you.
Reframing things can be a straightforward adjustment for your partner to make, to avoid triggering your RSD on a daily basis. For example, reframing requests and reminders…
Triggering request: Why haven’t you washed up already?
Reframe: I noticed your dishes are in the sink, could you wash them now before I start making dinner?
Triggering reminder: We have to go soon, why aren’t you ready yet?
Reframe: There’s 5 minutes before we need to leave, what do you need to do before then?
This is such a small communication tweak. But if you’ve got someone in your life who understands how your brain reacts to perceived rejection, it really makes all the difference!
Asking for support when you have ADHD
Generally, ADHDers really struggle to ask for support from romantic partners (and in many other areas of life)!
So my final words on this topic are this:
Up until this point, you might have spent a lot of time figuring things out on your own. You might have found yourself stuck in cycles that don’t let you be your true self - your best and most brilliant self!
But it doesn’t have to stay like this.
Learn about yourself and embrace you
Lean into your partner as someone who can support you
Be open about what does and doesn’t help your ADHD
It's not about special treatment; it's about leveling the playing field!
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Title: ADHD life: How to build secure and supportive romantic relationships
Description: Did you know ADHD can impact the way we navigate romantic relationships? Relationship insights from an ADHD coach. 4-min read.
Keywords: ADHD, supportive romantic relationships
